Humor and Jokes

A Poem To Moms

2010-01-20T15:07:00.000-08:00

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.'

Mom's Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore..

I've called and checked with C.S.D ...
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C..S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best. '

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C .S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D..?'

Send to all people that have teenagers, have already raised
teenagers,have children who will soon be teenagers or those
who will be
parents some day OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH

MOM (Mean Old Mother)

Freedom

2010-01-14T21:12:00.000-08:00

We as Americans have freedom of religion. Which not only means that people have every right to believe what they wanna believe. But also means that people are gonna disagree with each other when it comes to beliefs. Which makes it even more important for anyone to be laid back about their beliefs & also be understanding about other people's beliefs. Nobody should ever let their beliefs make them be so sensitive towards the facts. Because if someone keeps getting bothered by the things that they believe to be inappropriate but are also a part of reality, then those people are gonna end up getting bothered a lot in their lives. And the only one who's gonna make people feel that way is the specific individual who does feel that way. Being sensitive towards the facts is an emotionally unhealthy thing for anyone to do to themselves. But especially in a country where people have every right to believe what they wanna believe. On that note, the only time that anyone should look at dirty words & topics as being negative things is when those things get used in an abusive way. Because not only do dirty words & topics add comedy to situations. But also with some people, using dirty words & talking about the dirty topics are parts of some of the personalities that this world has in it. So in other words, those are parts of who some people are & the right thing to do is accept that.

Random pieces of advice for life

2010-01-14T18:08:00.000-08:00

1. Never take anything too seriously, because life is way too short.

2. Always try to find humor in any situation possible (especially in a situation that might make you feel uncomfortable).

3. Don't ever let your beliefs make you be so sensitive towards the facts. Because if you keep getting bothered by things that you might find inappropriate but are also a part of reality, then you're gonna end up getting bothered a lot in your life. And the only person who's gonna make you feel that way is yourself.

4. You should always be sure to have a sense of humor about anything that you take seriously. Because of the fact that anything that gets taken seriously is also gonna get joked about by somebody. And the more seriously something gets taken, then the more it's gonna end up getting joked about.

5. God cares more about people making each other laugh rather than what's being said or done to make that happen (in other words, God would focus more on the positive than the negative).

6. If God didn't have a good sense of humor, then none of his creations would have one either.

7. If it's anyone who's gonna give ya the most crap about anything & everything, then it's gonna be the people who love ya the most. And the people who love ya the most are in your family.

8. No matter how bad something in your life gets, there's always gonna be someone out there who has it worse than you do.

9. The more that families love each other, the more crap they're gonna give each other about anything & everything (including teasing & annoying each other).

10. Now last but not least, on raunchy humor. The key word in that topic is HUMOR & not necessarily what kind it is. The only time people should take offense to dirty words & topics is when they're used in an abusive way. If dirty words and/or topics are meant to be in a funny way, then that should be looked at as a positive thing & not negative. Because humor is meant to make people laugh no matter what kind it is.

Stories about situations that have actually happened

2009-07-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

Some of these situations have happened to me & some have happened to people I know.

I was playing around on the Itunes program one day & decided to do a search for the word "toilet". Turns out I got almost 150 results. My question to that is who would write a song with the word toilet in it?

I think what made me do a search for the word toilet on Itunes was because I accidentally dropped my first Ipod into a toilet & broke the thing. But the irony to that situation is that after I grabbed the thing out of the toilet, the only song that I could get to work on the thing was the song entitled "dirty water".

As a lot of people do, I tend to forget that I have my sunglasses on top of my head. So one day, I had my sunglasses on top of my head & forgot that they were there. As a result, I ended up taking a shower with the sunglasses still on my head & didn't realize they were still on my head until after I got out of the shower.

We were at a family reunion for my mom's side of the family this past weekend, and of course there were little kids there. Mainly 10 & under kids. So my 4-year-old cousin Caleb grabbed the microphone & started singing, "who let the dogs out".

I was hanging out in my apartment with some of my friends one day & one of my friends mother was there. Then the mother asked me, "what's cold in the fridge?" And my answer to her question was, "what's cold in the fridge - everything."

My cousin Caleb (same kid who started singing "who let the dogs out") was eating some cake at the family reunion. And my dad (who always wants a bite of what little kids are eating) kept on asking Caleb for a bite of his cake. So after about the 4th time my dad asked for a bite of Caleb's cake, Caleb puts about a finger tip size piece of cake on his fork & says to my dad, "here's your bite! Now leave me alone!"

One day, I was babysitting my 3-year-old nephew Chase (who was 2 at the time that this situation happened). And for God knows what reason, he went over to the dog's water bowl, sat down in the thing & got stuck in there. When he tried to get up, the bowl was stuck to his butt & he was walking around with the thing stuck to his butt.

Act Italian

2009-07-10T12:53:00.001-07:00

> Americans Kids VS Italian Kids
>  If you are Italian or just know Italian's - this is great!!
>
>  American kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their
parents.
>  Italian kids: Move out when they're 28, having saved enough money for a
house, and are two weeks away from getting married.....unless there's room in
the basement for the newlyweds.
>   
> American kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake , and you
sip coffee and chat.
>  Italian kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food,
begins to tidy up, dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture.
>   
>  American kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them,
and it's usually only on special occasions.
>  Italian kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads show up, unannounced, on a
Saturday morning at 8:00, and starts pruning the fruit trees. If there are no
fruit trees, he'll plant some.
>  
> American kids: Always pay retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need
to have something done.
>  Italian kids: Call their dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's
phone number to get it done.
>   
>  American kids:  Will come over for cake and coffee, and get only cake and
coffee. No more.
>  Italian kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get antipasto, wine, a
pasta dish, a choice of two meats, salad, bread, a cannoli, fruit, espresso, and
a few after dinner drinks.
>   
>  American kids: Will greet you with 'Hello' or 'Hi'.
>  Italian kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on
your back.
>   
>  American kids: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
>  Italian kids: Call your parents Mom and Dad.
>   
>  American kids: Have never seen you cry.
>  Italian kids: Cry with you.
>   
>  American kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
>  Italian kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being
together.
>   
>  American kids: Know few things about you.
>  Italian kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
>   
>   
>  American kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white
bread..
>  Italian kids: Eat Genoa Salami and Provolone sandwiches on crusty Italian
bread (for breakfast).
>  I loved these last two
>   
>  American kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing
>  Italian kids: Will kick the whole crowds' ass who left you behind.
>  
>  American kids: Think that being Italian is cool.
>  Italian kids: Know that being Italian is cool.
>   
>  American kids: Will ignore this.
>  Italian kids: Will forward it
>

A good laugh at a student nurse

2009-06-22T19:57:00.000-07:00


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his    
mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure    
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles,
from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies   
'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my testicles  black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals
from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly    
pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his    
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then,
she takes a close look and   says,'No sir, they aren't and I assure you,
there's nothing wrong   with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and says very slowly,'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen    
very, very closely.....

       '   A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ? '

Tiger Woods in Ireland

2009-06-13T19:50:00.000-07:00

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner

Completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?” asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

Slogans & Wisecracks

2009-04-12T14:25:00.000-07:00

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
I plead contemporary insanity.
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Live within my income? Heck, it's all I can do to live within my credit.
A woman's favorite position is C.E.O.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
So many freaks, so few circuses.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Chaos, panic, & disorder my work here is done.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF*** you!
Allow me to introduce myselves.
Meandering to a different drummer.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.
And just how may I screw you over today?
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here, or to go?

Parental Job Describtion

2009-04-04T09:58:00.001-07:00

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless

sports tournaments in far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in

three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered
, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the parents you know in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do...
or forward with love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

Who said poetry was dull?

2009-03-17T09:43:00.000-07:00


When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me ass was red,

Me Mudder!


Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee when I could not?

Me Mudder!

And when the morning light would come?
And in me crib me dribbled some?
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum,

Me Mudder!

Who would me hair so neatly part?
And hug me gently to her heart?

Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart?


Me Mudder!



Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me shit?

Me Mudder!


When at night her bed did squeak?
Me raised me head to have a peek?
Who yelled at me to go to sleep,



Me Fadder!

Answer This

2009-03-15T11:51:00.000-07:00

What disease did cured ham have?

What's the difference between unique and very unique?

We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?

When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?

Can you cry under water?

Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?

When you get to heaven, are you stuck for eternity wearing the same clothes you were buried in?

Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?

Why are actors IN movies but ON television?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?

Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?

Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?

Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?

What is a Japanese maple tree called in Japan? (Ans: Baby's Palm)

We say, "It's Greek to me." What do the Greeks say? (Ans: It's Chinese to me.)

If we don't care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?

Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stand on all four feet? They're both dogs.

Do "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "The Alphabet Song" have the same tune?

On Gilligan's Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?

If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy himself dinner?

Can you drive in the car pool lane if you're driving a hearse with t corpse in it?

Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?

Case Dismissed!

2009-02-27T16:05:00.000-08:00

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
> >
> >
> > A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her
> > was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile
> > turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on
> > the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he
> > had the man arrested.
> >
> > The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what
> > he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like
> > this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
> > condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are
> > coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,'
> > Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then
> > she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big
> > Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor,
> > when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear
> > Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it.'
> >
> > 'CASE DISMISSED!!'

What love means to 4-8 year olds

2009-02-24T14:28:00.000-08:00

What Love means to 4-8 year old children . . .
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think.

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other..'

Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8

'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'

Chris - age 7

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'

Mark - age 6

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8

And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need. Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent you this.

Heavenly Father, please bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! And may their life be full of Your peace, prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with You. Amen.

Then send it on to five other people, including the one who sent it to you. Within hours you caused a multitude of people to pray for other people. Then sit back and watch the power of God work in your life.

P. S. Five is good, but more is better

You know you're a Bostonian if:

2009-01-31T08:29:00.000-08:00

You know you're a Bostonian if:

1. The Red Sox World Series win was, and will always be, one of the greatest moments in your life.

2. The guy driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you're swearing at him for going too slow.

3. When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke.

4. You went to Canobie Lake Park or Water Country as a kid

5. You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.

6. You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of the English language, eva!

7. Your social security number starts with a 0

8. You can actually find your way around Boston.

9. You know what a "regular" coffee is.

10. You keep an ice scraper in your car year-round.

11. You can tell the difference between a Revere accent and a Dorchester accent

12. Springfield is located "way out west."

13. You almost feel disappointed if someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.

14. You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Gloucester, and Haverhill.

15. Anyone you don't know is a potential idiot until proven otherwise.

16. Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts or a CVS Pharmacy within eyeshot at all times.

17. You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to buy alcohol.

18. You know how to pronounce Yastrzemski.

19. You know there's a trophy at the end of the Bean Pot.

20. You order iced coffee in January

21. You know that the Purple Line will take you anywhere

22. You love scorpion bowls.

23. You know what they sell at a Packie.

24. Sorry Manny, but number 24 means DEWEY EVANS.

25. You know what First Night is.

26. You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus.

27. McLobster= McCrap!

28. You know at least 2 cops in your town because they were your high school drinking buddies.

29. Sure there are 6 New England states, but Connecticut really doesn't count.

30. You intentionally give wrong directions to tourists, feel bad when they drive off, but then say to yourself ,"Ah, screw them."

31. You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after
last call.

32. You're sick of the Kennedy's, but you vote for them anyway.

33. You know holding onto the railing when riding the Green Line is not optional

34. The numbers '78 and '86 make you cringe.

35. You've been to Goodtimes before.

36. You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day. (...and they DO).

37. You have never been to "Cheers."

38. The words 'WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.

39. You've been to Fenway Park several times.

40. You've gone to at least one party at U Mass.

41. You own a "Yankees Suck" shirt or hat.

42. You know what a Frappe is.

43. You've been to Hempfest.

44. You know who Frank Averuch is.

45. ADVANCED: You know Frank Averuch was once Bozo the Clown

46. You can complete the following: "Lynn, Lynn......"

47. You get pissed off when a restaurant serves clam chowder, and it turns out to be friggin' Snows.

48. You actually know how to merge from six lanes of traffic down to one.

49. The TV weatherman is damn good if he's right 25% of the time

50. You never go to "Cape Cod," you go "down the Cape".

51. You think that Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.

52. You know who Whitey Bulger is.

53. You went to the Swan Boats, House of Seven Gables, or Plymouth Plantation on a field trip in elementary school

54. Bobby Orr is loved as much as Larry Bird, Tom Brady, and Ted Williams.

55. You remember Major Mudd.

56. You know what candlepin bowling is

57. You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day

58. You know Scollay Square once stood where Government Center is.

59. When you were a kid, Rex Trailer was the coolest guy around.

Speaking of which...

60. You can still hum the song from the end of Boom Town

61. Calling Carrabba's an "Italian" restaurant is sacrilege

62. You still have your old Flexible Flyer somewhere in your parents' attic.

63. You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing
line.

64. The only time you've been on the Freedom Trail is when relatives are
in town.

65. The Big Dig tunnel disaster wasn't really that much of a surprise.

66. You call guys you've just met "Chief" or "Boss."

67. 4:15pm and pitch black out means there's just 3 more shopping days until Christmas

68. You know more than one person with the last name Murphy

69. You refer to Savin Hill as "Stab 'n Kill."

70. You've never eaten at Durgin Park, but recommend it to tourists.

71. You can't look at the zip code 02134 without singing it.

72. You voted for a Republican Mormon as Governor just to screw with the rest of the country.

73. 11pm? Drunk? It means one thing: Kowloon!

74. 2am? Drunk? It means one thing: Kelly's Roast Beef!

75. 5am? Drunk? It means one thing: You wish you had a blanket in your back seat

76. You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.

77. People you don't like are all "Bastids."

78. You took school or work off for the Patriots first Super Bowl Win Parade

79. You've called something "wicked pissa."

80. You'll always get razzed for Dukakis.

81. Saturday afternoons meant Creature Double Feature with Dale Dorman

82. Sunday mornings meant the Three Stooges on Channel 38

83. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater

84. No, you don't trust the Gorton's Fisherman.

85. You know that Papa Gino's usually has a jukebox

86. You think Aerosmith is the greatest rock band of all time.

8 7. Your town has at least 6 sub shops, and none of them are a Subway.

88. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frankie.

89. 20 degrees isn't that bad as long as there ain't no wind- then it gets wicked cold.

90. You were very sad when saying goodbye to the Boston Garden

91. Thanksgiving means family, turkey, High School football, and the long version of Alice's Restaurant.

92. You know the guy who founded the Boston Pops was Athah Feedlah.

93. You know what the Combat Zone is

94. You actually drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax

95. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.

96. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop

97. You've been to Hampton Beach on a Saturday night

98. Playing street hockey was a daily after school ritual.

99. Hearing an old lady shout "Numbah 96 for Sioux City!" means it's time for steak

100. You remember Jordan Marsh, Grants, Bradlees, Caldor, Zayres, or Ann&
Hope.

101. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Massachusetts

A teenager is

2009-01-13T08:08:00.001-08:00

- A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

- A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

- A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.

- Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

- A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

- A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license.

- A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.

- An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

- A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.

- A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

- A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

- A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

- An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

Funny One-Liners

2009-01-09T14:04:00.000-08:00

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

10 Good Things About The Flu

2008-12-23T06:30:00.000-08:00

10. No one wants to come near you.

9. You can legally take sedatives.

8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you do.

7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly.

6. You can smell like a baboon's butt and nobody complains.

5. You can shlep about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all day.

4. No matter how bad you feel, it's still better than how you felt after last month's tequila 'n' gin party.

3. Star Trek re-runs.

2. Your dog is allowed on the bed.

1. You get to pass the virus on to those you really dislike.

15 Ways To Uplift the Workplace

2008-12-23T06:19:00.000-08:00

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

You know you're living in the 21st century when -

2008-12-07T13:26:00.001-08:00

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 5!

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 . Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Twas The Night After Christmas

2008-12-07T10:03:00.000-08:00

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

Christmas Present
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."

The above document was written by Jeff Foxworthy.

Proper Golf Posture

2008-12-07T07:45:00.000-08:00

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale , Arizona :

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE... WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.

Pilsbury Doughboy Obituary

2008-10-10T13:14:00.000-07:00

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.

The grave side was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

The Laws Of Golfing

2008-10-02T18:45:00.001-07:00

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

Things that only a mom could teach

2008-09-25T14:45:00.000-07:00

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION ...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING ...
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE ...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC ...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE ...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get good job."

My Mother taught me ESP ...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR ...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX ...
"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS ...
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS ...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE ...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."

Ways to annoy trick-or-treaters

2008-09-24T08:37:00.000-07:00

* Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

* Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

* Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

* Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

* Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

* Hand them your child's school fund raiser ordering sheet and insist that they buy their own candy.

* After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

* Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

* When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

* When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.

* Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

* Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

* When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

* Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

* Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

* Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

* Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

I Don't Wanna

2008-09-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna do the dishes
I don't wanna do the wash
I sprinkled clothes a week ago
And now my iron is lost!

I don't wanna rattle pots
I don't wanna rattle pans
I see the mail light flashin'
I wanna chat with friends!

Oh the tables need some dustin'
and the floor could sure be mopped
But I know if I get started
there'll be no place to stop.

The closets are so full
things are falling off the shelves
I wish for cleaning fairies
and magic little elves.

They could sprinkle fairy dust
and twitch their little nose
The windows would be sparkling
I would have no dirty clothes.

Oh I know that I'm just dreamin'
My head is in the sky
I must cook that meat that's greying
and bake that apple pie.

The Hubby needs a bath
Doggy needs attention
Oh.. the other way around I mean
my brain is in suspension.

I am runnin' round in circles
I am gettin' nothin' done,
I keep thinking of my web
I am missing all the fun!

Well I know I'm not addicted
though I hear that all the time
But I guess this stuff can wait on me
Cause Today I'll Be On Line!!!

Rules for Chocolate

2008-09-23T10:03:00.001-07:00

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.

But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A rejection letter from the tooth fairy

2008-09-23T09:19:00.000-07:00

Dear _________________ :

Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no night light was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:

[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care

( ) other:

Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy

The Halloween Dictionary

2008-09-23T09:03:00.000-07:00

Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

Ebonics Christmas

2008-09-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

'Twas da night befo' Christmas and all in the hood, Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.
The tube socks was hung on the window sill and we all had smiles up on our grill.
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine, had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.

All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by, Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas' 'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!
well anyway....

I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.
I said, for real doe, come check dis out.

We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt. Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.

Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, "Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"
To the top of the projects & across the strip mall, We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"

He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof, and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.

I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!" he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat, and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.

I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.

He dropped down the duffle, Bulls logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
To tap that big booty waitin' at home.

And all I heard as he cruised outta sight, was a loud and hearty.....
"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"

Twas The Night Before A Redneck Christmas

2008-09-15T10:12:00.000-07:00

It was the night before Christmas,
and all through the trailer park,
not a pop-top was poppin',
not even Ole Blue barked.

Our stockin's was hung
over the space heater with care,
in the hopes that Santy
would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.

The kids was asleep
in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters,
Moon Pies, and Milkyway's.

And Earlene in her curlers
and me in my Earnhardt cap,
had just settled into our La-Z-Boys
for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.

Then out in the vacant lot
I heart such a commotion,
I thought it was neighbor Clyde,
finally got his T'bird in motion.

I heaved out of my recliner
and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen
and hollered to Ole Blue.

The moon was shinin down
on my old wrecked cars,
so bright they was sparklin'
like rusty old stars.

And I couldn't believe
by own hardworkin' eyes,
when a jacked-up Chevy pickup
come flyin' through the sky!

Faster'n Ole Ironhead
his possums they came,
and he whooped and hollered
and called 'em by name:

"Git up Sooner! Hi Duke!
Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie!
You mind me Duchess and Bud!"

"To the top of the satellite dish!
To the top of the shed!
Now move it n' Step on it!
Ya'll get out the lead!"

You know how on our old road
whenev'r a car goes by,
there's all this dirt
that flys up into the sky?

That's how this crew
went straight on up to my roof,
with that pickup full of toys,
a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.

Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in
I heerd up on the tin,
the scrabbling around
of them flying possums of his'n.

I yanked my head back in the trailer
and hitched up my shorts,
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came
with a grunt and a snort!

He was dressed in red-and-green camo
from his neck to his feet,
and I had to give him credit
he still had most of his teeth.

Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale
slung on his back,
There was flyswatters an' Tupperware,
an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.

When he winked his eye
I knew fer sure he'd treat us right,
why, he just might even
leave me some ammo tonight!

I stood there dreamin' of a whitetail
while I watched him work,
then he stopped and like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.

He topped off our stockin's
with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
then squoze up that dryer vent
like Spam in your pocket.

He jumped in his pickup,
laid down on the horn,
And I'm not lyin',
they took off with their possum tails flyin'.

But I heerd him holler
as he headed for the 7-11,
"Merry Christmas to all!
And may all rednecks get into heav'n!"

Stress Prayer

2008-09-15T08:33:00.001-07:00

Lord,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they ticked me off.

And, help me to be careful Of the toes I step on today as they May be connected to the butt That I might have to kiss tomorrow.

Amen.

Mother's Dictionary

2008-09-13T13:30:00.000-07:00

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have more kids.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.

DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

A poem for moms & dads

2008-09-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

Queer Quotes

2008-09-05T09:47:00.000-07:00

1. Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" -- Jon Stewart

2. The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft we can all declare homosexuality instead of running off to Canada. --Lorne Bloch

3. When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one. --From the tombstone of a gay Vietnam veteran

4. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. --Lynn Lavner

5. My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share. --Rita Mae Brown

6. Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons. --Letter to the Editor, The Advocate

7. You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight. --Barry Goldwater

8. If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." --Robin Tyler

9. Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? --Ernest Gaines

10. War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting? --The Value of Families

11. I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother. --Charles Pierce, 1980

12. That word "lesbian" sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they're sure that they're the cure. --Denise McCanles

13. As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children. --Anita Bryant, 1977

14. If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters. --Anita Bryant

15. The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. --Dennis Miller

16. Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. --Judy Carter

17. My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. --W. Somerset Maugham

18. Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. --Author Unknown

19. I am reminded of a colleague who reiterated, "all my Homosexual patients are quite sick" - to which I finally replied "so are all my heterosexual patients." --Ernest van den Haag, psychotherapist

20. When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys. --Andrew G. Dehel

21. If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic." --Shelly Roberts

22. My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. --Amanda Bearse

23. Some women can't say the word Lesbian...even when their mouth is full of one. --Kate Clinton

Things you should never say to a cop

2008-09-05T09:37:00.001-07:00

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. Hey wait a second...I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

The Church Pew

2008-08-26T18:48:00.001-07:00

An elderly couple are attending church services.About halfway through,
she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says: 'I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?

'He scribbles back, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid!'

Classic One-Liners From Kids

2008-08-26T13:59:00.000-07:00

"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
- Rocky, age 9

"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
- Stephanie, age 8

"Never flush the toilet when your dad's in the shower."
- Lamar, age 10

"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."
- Carrol, age 9

"Never bug a pregnant mom."
- Nicholas, age 11

"Don't ever be too full for dessert."
- Kelly, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, age 14

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
- Joel, age 12

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
- Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat."
- Laura, age 13

"Never spit when on a roller coaster."
- Scott, age 11

"Never do pranks at a police station."
- Sam, age 10

"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
- Rob, age 10

"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
- Hank, age 12

"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
- Molly, age 11

"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
- Chelsey, age 7

"Stay away from prunes."
- Randy, age 9

"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
- Phillip, age 13

"Forget the cake, go for the icing."
- Cynthia, age 8

"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house."
- Joanne, age 1

"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
- Matthew, age 12

Daddy how was I born?

2008-08-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set u p a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You've got a male!

Application for employment

2008-08-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers ClearinghouseSweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

California Driving Test Answers

2008-08-23T07:28:00.000-07:00

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

The Wedding of the Wongs

2008-08-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
> > The next year, the Wongs have a
> new baby.
> > The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
> > but
> definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
> >
> > 'Congratulations!' says
> the nurse to the new parents.
> > 'Well, Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs.
> Wong name the baby?'
> > The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and
> says,
> > 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
> > so I think we will
> name him...
> > *
> > Are you ready for this?*
> >
> > *Sum Ting Wong

300 reasons you might be a redneck

2008-08-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used cap.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
you have ever used lard in bed.
you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
The primary color of your car is bondo.
directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people.
your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
you see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.
you consider the fifth grade you senior year.
you have a rag for a gas cap.
the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
you have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.
you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
the main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.
you mow the front yard and find a car.
your other truck is made by John Deere.
you think suspenders are a type of shirt.
going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.
you keep a spit cup on the ironing board.
you ever got too drunk to fish.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed posum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't have any branches.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was
snubbed for best picture.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?"
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You consider a family reunion a good place to pick up girls.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry
about is if you can loose them or not.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
When you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack," it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
"Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking
brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl
make love.
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car..on purpose! "
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
You replace a flat tire on your truck with a tire from your house.
You've ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it
Your family's No. 1 enemy is revenuers.
Your belt buckle doubles as a serving platter.
You use lava soap more than three times a day.
You wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.
You consider orange peels left on the coffee table as potpourri.
You grow flowers in an old commode in your front yard.
You can't take a bath because beer is iced down in your tub.
Your kitchen doubles as a bait store.
You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
You throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.
You've ever fed your date french fries in a Denny's.
Going to the laundromat means cleaning out the back of the truck.
Your family reunion features a chewing tobacco spit-off.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
You stand under the mistletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.

Phrases Of Wisdom

2008-08-12T19:53:00.000-07:00

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

AND . . . (drum roll please?)

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Laws- this is how it really works

2008-08-12T19:52:00.000-07:00

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.<>

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

& Doctor's Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Laughter is the best medicine

2008-06-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

Laughter maybe known as the best medicine. But if laughter actually came in pill form, the side effects might include the following:

Spitting out drink/drink coming out of nose

Choking on food

Occasional wetting pants

Stomach ache

Hiccups

Laughing so hard you can't stop

Face turning red/face hurting

Falling on the floor

Anyone who experiences any of these side effects, don't worry. There's no need to consult any doctor for these side effects (when it comes to laughter).

Italian Mother

2008-06-21T07:44:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner, who lives with a female roommate Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma,

I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the sugar bowl from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma which read:

Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma

The best smart ass answers of the year

2008-06-21T07:14:00.000-07:00

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they 're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars get backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes along.

The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not bei ng here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

You Gotta Love A Good Nurse

2008-06-21T07:13:00.000-07:00

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in
his crotch. Worried that it might be a needed second surgery the doctors
hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital
gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so
uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon....from
the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

2008-06-21T07:08:00.000-07:00

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't s traighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don 't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

2008-06-21T06:53:00.000-07:00

A business man got on an elevator.
> When he entered, there was a blonde already inside
> who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'
>
> He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'
> The blonde was trying to keep it friendly,
> so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly
> as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'
>
> The man smiled back to her and once again, 'S-H-I-T.'
> The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
> T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'
> The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'

Only In America

2008-06-21T06:51:00.000-07:00

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

Raising Boys

2008-06-21T06:48:00.000-07:00

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas . . .

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show that they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.