Ebonics Christmas

'Twas da night befo' Christmas and all in the hood, Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.
The tube socks was hung on the window sill and we all had smiles up on our grill.
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine, had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.

All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by, Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas' 'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!
well anyway....

I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.
I said, for real doe, come check dis out.

We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt. Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.

Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, "Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"
To the top of the projects & across the strip mall, We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"

He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof, and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.

I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!" he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat, and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.

I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.

He dropped down the duffle, Bulls logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
To tap that big booty waitin' at home.

And all I heard as he cruised outta sight, was a loud and hearty.....
"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"

Twas The Night Before A Redneck Christmas

It was the night before Christmas,
and all through the trailer park,
not a pop-top was poppin',
not even Ole Blue barked.

Our stockin's was hung
over the space heater with care,
in the hopes that Santy
would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.

The kids was asleep
in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters,
Moon Pies, and Milkyway's.

And Earlene in her curlers
and me in my Earnhardt cap,
had just settled into our La-Z-Boys
for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.

Then out in the vacant lot
I heart such a commotion,
I thought it was neighbor Clyde,
finally got his T'bird in motion.

I heaved out of my recliner
and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen
and hollered to Ole Blue.

The moon was shinin down
on my old wrecked cars,
so bright they was sparklin'
like rusty old stars.

And I couldn't believe
by own hardworkin' eyes,
when a jacked-up Chevy pickup
come flyin' through the sky!

Faster'n Ole Ironhead
his possums they came,
and he whooped and hollered
and called 'em by name:

"Git up Sooner! Hi Duke!
Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie!
You mind me Duchess and Bud!"

"To the top of the satellite dish!
To the top of the shed!
Now move it n' Step on it!
Ya'll get out the lead!"

You know how on our old road
whenev'r a car goes by,
there's all this dirt
that flys up into the sky?

That's how this crew
went straight on up to my roof,
with that pickup full of toys,
a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.

Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in
I heerd up on the tin,
the scrabbling around
of them flying possums of his'n.

I yanked my head back in the trailer
and hitched up my shorts,
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came
with a grunt and a snort!

He was dressed in red-and-green camo
from his neck to his feet,
and I had to give him credit
he still had most of his teeth.

Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale
slung on his back,
There was flyswatters an' Tupperware,
an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.

When he winked his eye
I knew fer sure he'd treat us right,
why, he just might even
leave me some ammo tonight!

I stood there dreamin' of a whitetail
while I watched him work,
then he stopped and like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.

He topped off our stockin's
with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
then squoze up that dryer vent
like Spam in your pocket.

He jumped in his pickup,
laid down on the horn,
And I'm not lyin',
they took off with their possum tails flyin'.

But I heerd him holler
as he headed for the 7-11,
"Merry Christmas to all!
And may all rednecks get into heav'n!"

Stress Prayer

Lord,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they ticked me off.

And, help me to be careful Of the toes I step on today as they May be connected to the butt That I might have to kiss tomorrow.

Amen.

Mother's Dictionary

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have more kids.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.

DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

A poem for moms & dads

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

Queer Quotes

1. Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" -- Jon Stewart

2. The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft we can all declare homosexuality instead of running off to Canada. --Lorne Bloch

3. When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one. --From the tombstone of a gay Vietnam veteran

4. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. --Lynn Lavner

5. My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share. --Rita Mae Brown

6. Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons. --Letter to the Editor, The Advocate

7. You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight. --Barry Goldwater

8. If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." --Robin Tyler

9. Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? --Ernest Gaines

10. War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting? --The Value of Families

11. I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother. --Charles Pierce, 1980

12. That word "lesbian" sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they're sure that they're the cure. --Denise McCanles

13. As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children. --Anita Bryant, 1977

14. If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters. --Anita Bryant

15. The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. --Dennis Miller

16. Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. --Judy Carter

17. My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. --W. Somerset Maugham

18. Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. --Author Unknown

19. I am reminded of a colleague who reiterated, "all my Homosexual patients are quite sick" - to which I finally replied "so are all my heterosexual patients." --Ernest van den Haag, psychotherapist

20. When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys. --Andrew G. Dehel

21. If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic." --Shelly Roberts

22. My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. --Amanda Bearse

23. Some women can't say the word Lesbian...even when their mouth is full of one. --Kate Clinton

Things you should never say to a cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. Hey wait a second...I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"