A Poem To Moms

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.'

Mom's Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore..

I've called and checked with C.S.D ...
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C..S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best. '

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C .S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D..?'

Send to all people that have teenagers, have already raised
teenagers,have children who will soon be teenagers or those
who will be
parents some day OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH

MOM (Mean Old Mother)

Freedom

We as Americans have freedom of religion. Which not only means that people have every right to believe what they wanna believe. But also means that people are gonna disagree with each other when it comes to beliefs. Which makes it even more important for anyone to be laid back about their beliefs & also be understanding about other people's beliefs. Nobody should ever let their beliefs make them be so sensitive towards the facts. Because if someone keeps getting bothered by the things that they believe to be inappropriate but are also a part of reality, then those people are gonna end up getting bothered a lot in their lives. And the only one who's gonna make people feel that way is the specific individual who does feel that way. Being sensitive towards the facts is an emotionally unhealthy thing for anyone to do to themselves. But especially in a country where people have every right to believe what they wanna believe. On that note, the only time that anyone should look at dirty words & topics as being negative things is when those things get used in an abusive way. Because not only do dirty words & topics add comedy to situations. But also with some people, using dirty words & talking about the dirty topics are parts of some of the personalities that this world has in it. So in other words, those are parts of who some people are & the right thing to do is accept that.

Random pieces of advice for life

1. Never take anything too seriously, because life is way too short.

2. Always try to find humor in any situation possible (especially in a situation that might make you feel uncomfortable).

3. Don't ever let your beliefs make you be so sensitive towards the facts. Because if you keep getting bothered by things that you might find inappropriate but are also a part of reality, then you're gonna end up getting bothered a lot in your life. And the only person who's gonna make you feel that way is yourself.

4. You should always be sure to have a sense of humor about anything that you take seriously. Because of the fact that anything that gets taken seriously is also gonna get joked about by somebody. And the more seriously something gets taken, then the more it's gonna end up getting joked about.

5. God cares more about people making each other laugh rather than what's being said or done to make that happen (in other words, God would focus more on the positive than the negative).

6. If God didn't have a good sense of humor, then none of his creations would have one either.

7. If it's anyone who's gonna give ya the most crap about anything & everything, then it's gonna be the people who love ya the most. And the people who love ya the most are in your family.

8. No matter how bad something in your life gets, there's always gonna be someone out there who has it worse than you do.

9. The more that families love each other, the more crap they're gonna give each other about anything & everything (including teasing & annoying each other).

10. Now last but not least, on raunchy humor. The key word in that topic is HUMOR & not necessarily what kind it is. The only time people should take offense to dirty words & topics is when they're used in an abusive way. If dirty words and/or topics are meant to be in a funny way, then that should be looked at as a positive thing & not negative. Because humor is meant to make people laugh no matter what kind it is.

Stories about situations that have actually happened

Some of these situations have happened to me & some have happened to people I know.

I was playing around on the Itunes program one day & decided to do a search for the word "toilet". Turns out I got almost 150 results. My question to that is who would write a song with the word toilet in it?

I think what made me do a search for the word toilet on Itunes was because I accidentally dropped my first Ipod into a toilet & broke the thing. But the irony to that situation is that after I grabbed the thing out of the toilet, the only song that I could get to work on the thing was the song entitled "dirty water".

As a lot of people do, I tend to forget that I have my sunglasses on top of my head. So one day, I had my sunglasses on top of my head & forgot that they were there. As a result, I ended up taking a shower with the sunglasses still on my head & didn't realize they were still on my head until after I got out of the shower.

We were at a family reunion for my mom's side of the family this past weekend, and of course there were little kids there. Mainly 10 & under kids. So my 4-year-old cousin Caleb grabbed the microphone & started singing, "who let the dogs out".

I was hanging out in my apartment with some of my friends one day & one of my friends mother was there. Then the mother asked me, "what's cold in the fridge?" And my answer to her question was, "what's cold in the fridge - everything."

My cousin Caleb (same kid who started singing "who let the dogs out") was eating some cake at the family reunion. And my dad (who always wants a bite of what little kids are eating) kept on asking Caleb for a bite of his cake. So after about the 4th time my dad asked for a bite of Caleb's cake, Caleb puts about a finger tip size piece of cake on his fork & says to my dad, "here's your bite! Now leave me alone!"

One day, I was babysitting my 3-year-old nephew Chase (who was 2 at the time that this situation happened). And for God knows what reason, he went over to the dog's water bowl, sat down in the thing & got stuck in there. When he tried to get up, the bowl was stuck to his butt & he was walking around with the thing stuck to his butt.

Act Italian

> Americans Kids VS Italian Kids
>  If you are Italian or just know Italian's - this is great!!
>
>  American kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their
parents.
>  Italian kids: Move out when they're 28, having saved enough money for a
house, and are two weeks away from getting married.....unless there's room in
the basement for the newlyweds.
>   
> American kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake , and you
sip coffee and chat.
>  Italian kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food,
begins to tidy up, dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture.
>   
>  American kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them,
and it's usually only on special occasions.
>  Italian kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads show up, unannounced, on a
Saturday morning at 8:00, and starts pruning the fruit trees. If there are no
fruit trees, he'll plant some.
>  
> American kids: Always pay retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need
to have something done.
>  Italian kids: Call their dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's
phone number to get it done.
>   
>  American kids:  Will come over for cake and coffee, and get only cake and
coffee. No more.
>  Italian kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get antipasto, wine, a
pasta dish, a choice of two meats, salad, bread, a cannoli, fruit, espresso, and
a few after dinner drinks.
>   
>  American kids: Will greet you with 'Hello' or 'Hi'.
>  Italian kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on
your back.
>   
>  American kids: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
>  Italian kids: Call your parents Mom and Dad.
>   
>  American kids: Have never seen you cry.
>  Italian kids: Cry with you.
>   
>  American kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
>  Italian kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being
together.
>   
>  American kids: Know few things about you.
>  Italian kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
>   
>   
>  American kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white
bread..
>  Italian kids: Eat Genoa Salami and Provolone sandwiches on crusty Italian
bread (for breakfast).
>  I loved these last two
>   
>  American kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing
>  Italian kids: Will kick the whole crowds' ass who left you behind.
>  
>  American kids: Think that being Italian is cool.
>  Italian kids: Know that being Italian is cool.
>   
>  American kids: Will ignore this.
>  Italian kids: Will forward it
>  

A good laugh at a student nurse

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his    
mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure    
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles,
from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies   
'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my testicles  black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals
from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly    
pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his    
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then,
she takes a close look and   says,'No sir, they aren't and I assure you,
there's nothing wrong   with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and says very slowly,'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen    
very, very closely.....

       '   A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ? '

Tiger Woods in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner

Completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?” asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."