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Tuesday, December 23, 2008
15 Ways To Uplift the Workplace
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
You know you're living in the 21st century when -
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 5!
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7 . Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 5!
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7 . Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
Twas The Night After Christmas
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
Christmas Present
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
The above document was written by Jeff Foxworthy.
Christmas Present
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
The above document was written by Jeff Foxworthy.
Proper Golf Posture
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale , Arizona :
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE... WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Pilsbury Doughboy Obituary
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The grave side was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The grave side was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The Laws Of Golfing
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Things that only a mom could teach
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION ...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING ...
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE ...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC ...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE ...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get good job."
My Mother taught me ESP ...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR ...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX ...
"How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS ...
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS ...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE ...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING ...
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE ...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC ...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE ...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get good job."
My Mother taught me ESP ...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR ...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX ...
"How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS ...
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS ...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE ...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Ways to annoy trick-or-treaters
* Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
* Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
* Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
* Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
* Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
* Hand them your child's school fund raiser ordering sheet and insist that they buy their own candy.
* After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
* Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
* When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
* When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.
* Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
* Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
* When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
* Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
* Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
* Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
* Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
* Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
* Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
* Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
* Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
* Hand them your child's school fund raiser ordering sheet and insist that they buy their own candy.
* After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
* Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
* When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
* When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.
* Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
* Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
* When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
* Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
* Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
* Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
* Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
I Don't Wanna
I don't wanna do the dishes
I don't wanna do the wash
I sprinkled clothes a week ago
And now my iron is lost!
I don't wanna rattle pots
I don't wanna rattle pans
I see the mail light flashin'
I wanna chat with friends!
Oh the tables need some dustin'
and the floor could sure be mopped
But I know if I get started
there'll be no place to stop.
The closets are so full
things are falling off the shelves
I wish for cleaning fairies
and magic little elves.
They could sprinkle fairy dust
and twitch their little nose
The windows would be sparkling
I would have no dirty clothes.
Oh I know that I'm just dreamin'
My head is in the sky
I must cook that meat that's greying
and bake that apple pie.
The Hubby needs a bath
Doggy needs attention
Oh.. the other way around I mean
my brain is in suspension.
I am runnin' round in circles
I am gettin' nothin' done,
I keep thinking of my web
I am missing all the fun!
Well I know I'm not addicted
though I hear that all the time
But I guess this stuff can wait on me
Cause Today I'll Be On Line!!!
I don't wanna do the wash
I sprinkled clothes a week ago
And now my iron is lost!
I don't wanna rattle pots
I don't wanna rattle pans
I see the mail light flashin'
I wanna chat with friends!
Oh the tables need some dustin'
and the floor could sure be mopped
But I know if I get started
there'll be no place to stop.
The closets are so full
things are falling off the shelves
I wish for cleaning fairies
and magic little elves.
They could sprinkle fairy dust
and twitch their little nose
The windows would be sparkling
I would have no dirty clothes.
Oh I know that I'm just dreamin'
My head is in the sky
I must cook that meat that's greying
and bake that apple pie.
The Hubby needs a bath
Doggy needs attention
Oh.. the other way around I mean
my brain is in suspension.
I am runnin' round in circles
I am gettin' nothin' done,
I keep thinking of my web
I am missing all the fun!
Well I know I'm not addicted
though I hear that all the time
But I guess this stuff can wait on me
Cause Today I'll Be On Line!!!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Rules for Chocolate
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A rejection letter from the tooth fairy
Dear _________________ :
Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no night light was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:
Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.
Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy
Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no night light was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:
Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.
Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy
The Halloween Dictionary
Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.
Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.
Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.
Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."
Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
Skeleton: Any supermodel.
Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."
Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.
Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.
Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.
Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."
Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
Skeleton: Any supermodel.
Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."
Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Ebonics Christmas
'Twas da night befo' Christmas and all in the hood, Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.
The tube socks was hung on the window sill and we all had smiles up on our grill.
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine, had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.
All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by, Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas' 'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!
well anyway....
I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.
I said, for real doe, come check dis out.
We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt. Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.
Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, "Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"
To the top of the projects & across the strip mall, We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"
He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof, and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.
I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!" he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat, and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.
I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.
He dropped down the duffle, Bulls logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
To tap that big booty waitin' at home.
And all I heard as he cruised outta sight, was a loud and hearty.....
"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"
The tube socks was hung on the window sill and we all had smiles up on our grill.
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine, had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.
All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by, Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas' 'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!
well anyway....
I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.
I said, for real doe, come check dis out.
We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt. Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.
Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, "Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"
To the top of the projects & across the strip mall, We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"
He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof, and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.
I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!" he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat, and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.
I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.
He dropped down the duffle, Bulls logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
To tap that big booty waitin' at home.
And all I heard as he cruised outta sight, was a loud and hearty.....
"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"
Monday, September 15, 2008
Twas The Night Before A Redneck Christmas
It was the night before Christmas,
and all through the trailer park,
not a pop-top was poppin',
not even Ole Blue barked.
Our stockin's was hung
over the space heater with care,
in the hopes that Santy
would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.
The kids was asleep
in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters,
Moon Pies, and Milkyway's.
And Earlene in her curlers
and me in my Earnhardt cap,
had just settled into our La-Z-Boys
for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.
Then out in the vacant lot
I heart such a commotion,
I thought it was neighbor Clyde,
finally got his T'bird in motion.
I heaved out of my recliner
and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen
and hollered to Ole Blue.
The moon was shinin down
on my old wrecked cars,
so bright they was sparklin'
like rusty old stars.
And I couldn't believe
by own hardworkin' eyes,
when a jacked-up Chevy pickup
come flyin' through the sky!
Faster'n Ole Ironhead
his possums they came,
and he whooped and hollered
and called 'em by name:
"Git up Sooner! Hi Duke!
Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie!
You mind me Duchess and Bud!"
"To the top of the satellite dish!
To the top of the shed!
Now move it n' Step on it!
Ya'll get out the lead!"
You know how on our old road
whenev'r a car goes by,
there's all this dirt
that flys up into the sky?
That's how this crew
went straight on up to my roof,
with that pickup full of toys,
a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.
Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in
I heerd up on the tin,
the scrabbling around
of them flying possums of his'n.
I yanked my head back in the trailer
and hitched up my shorts,
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came
with a grunt and a snort!
He was dressed in red-and-green camo
from his neck to his feet,
and I had to give him credit
he still had most of his teeth.
Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale
slung on his back,
There was flyswatters an' Tupperware,
an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.
When he winked his eye
I knew fer sure he'd treat us right,
why, he just might even
leave me some ammo tonight!
I stood there dreamin' of a whitetail
while I watched him work,
then he stopped and like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.
He topped off our stockin's
with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
then squoze up that dryer vent
like Spam in your pocket.
He jumped in his pickup,
laid down on the horn,
And I'm not lyin',
they took off with their possum tails flyin'.
But I heerd him holler
as he headed for the 7-11,
"Merry Christmas to all!
And may all rednecks get into heav'n!"
Stress Prayer
Lord,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they ticked me off.
And, help me to be careful Of the toes I step on today as they May be connected to the butt That I might have to kiss tomorrow.
Amen.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they ticked me off.
And, help me to be careful Of the toes I step on today as they May be connected to the butt That I might have to kiss tomorrow.
Amen.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Mother's Dictionary
AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have more kids.
BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.
DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.
DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
A poem for moms & dads
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!
Friday, September 5, 2008
Queer Quotes
1. Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" -- Jon Stewart
2. The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft we can all declare homosexuality instead of running off to Canada. --Lorne Bloch
3. When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one. --From the tombstone of a gay Vietnam veteran
4. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. --Lynn Lavner
5. My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share. --Rita Mae Brown
6. Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons. --Letter to the Editor, The Advocate
7. You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight. --Barry Goldwater
8. If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." --Robin Tyler
9. Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? --Ernest Gaines
10. War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting? --The Value of Families
11. I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother. --Charles Pierce, 1980
12. That word "lesbian" sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they're sure that they're the cure. --Denise McCanles
13. As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children. --Anita Bryant, 1977
14. If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters. --Anita Bryant
15. The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. --Dennis Miller
16. Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. --Judy Carter
17. My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. --W. Somerset Maugham
18. Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. --Author Unknown
19. I am reminded of a colleague who reiterated, "all my Homosexual patients are quite sick" - to which I finally replied "so are all my heterosexual patients." --Ernest van den Haag, psychotherapist
20. When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys. --Andrew G. Dehel
21. If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic." --Shelly Roberts
22. My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. --Amanda Bearse
23. Some women can't say the word Lesbian...even when their mouth is full of one. --Kate Clinton
2. The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft we can all declare homosexuality instead of running off to Canada. --Lorne Bloch
3. When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one. --From the tombstone of a gay Vietnam veteran
4. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. --Lynn Lavner
5. My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share. --Rita Mae Brown
6. Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons. --Letter to the Editor, The Advocate
7. You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight. --Barry Goldwater
8. If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." --Robin Tyler
9. Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? --Ernest Gaines
10. War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting? --The Value of Families
11. I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother. --Charles Pierce, 1980
12. That word "lesbian" sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they're sure that they're the cure. --Denise McCanles
13. As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children. --Anita Bryant, 1977
14. If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters. --Anita Bryant
15. The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. --Dennis Miller
16. Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. --Judy Carter
17. My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. --W. Somerset Maugham
18. Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. --Author Unknown
19. I am reminded of a colleague who reiterated, "all my Homosexual patients are quite sick" - to which I finally replied "so are all my heterosexual patients." --Ernest van den Haag, psychotherapist
20. When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys. --Andrew G. Dehel
21. If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic." --Shelly Roberts
22. My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. --Amanda Bearse
23. Some women can't say the word Lesbian...even when their mouth is full of one. --Kate Clinton
Things you should never say to a cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. Hey wait a second...I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. Hey wait a second...I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
The Church Pew
An elderly couple are attending church services.About halfway through,
she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says: 'I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?
'He scribbles back, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid!'
she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says: 'I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?
'He scribbles back, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid!'
Classic One-Liners From Kids
"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
- Rocky, age 9
"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
- Stephanie, age 8
"Never flush the toilet when your dad's in the shower."
- Lamar, age 10
"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."
- Carrol, age 9
"Never bug a pregnant mom."
- Nicholas, age 11
"Don't ever be too full for dessert."
- Kelly, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, age 14
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
- Joel, age 12
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
- Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat."
- Laura, age 13
"Never spit when on a roller coaster."
- Scott, age 11
"Never do pranks at a police station."
- Sam, age 10
"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
- Rob, age 10
"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
- Hank, age 12
"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
- Molly, age 11
"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
- Chelsey, age 7
"Stay away from prunes."
- Randy, age 9
"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
- Phillip, age 13
"Forget the cake, go for the icing."
- Cynthia, age 8
"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house."
- Joanne, age 1
"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
- Matthew, age 12
- Rocky, age 9
"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
- Stephanie, age 8
"Never flush the toilet when your dad's in the shower."
- Lamar, age 10
"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."
- Carrol, age 9
"Never bug a pregnant mom."
- Nicholas, age 11
"Don't ever be too full for dessert."
- Kelly, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, age 14
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
- Joel, age 12
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
- Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat."
- Laura, age 13
"Never spit when on a roller coaster."
- Scott, age 11
"Never do pranks at a police station."
- Sam, age 10
"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
- Rob, age 10
"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
- Hank, age 12
"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
- Molly, age 11
"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
- Chelsey, age 7
"Stay away from prunes."
- Randy, age 9
"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
- Phillip, age 13
"Forget the cake, go for the icing."
- Cynthia, age 8
"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house."
- Joanne, age 1
"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
- Matthew, age 12
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Daddy how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set u p a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You've got a male!
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set u p a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You've got a male!
Application for employment
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers ClearinghouseSweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers ClearinghouseSweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
California Driving Test Answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
The Wedding of the Wongs
Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
> > The next year, the Wongs have a
> new baby.
> > The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
> > but
> definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
> >
> > 'Congratulations!' says
> the nurse to the new parents.
> > 'Well, Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs.
> Wong name the baby?'
> > The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and
> says,
> > 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
> > so I think we will
> name him...
> > *
> > Are you ready for this?*
> >
> > *Sum Ting Wong
> > The next year, the Wongs have a
> new baby.
> > The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
> > but
> definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
> >
> > 'Congratulations!' says
> the nurse to the new parents.
> > 'Well, Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs.
> Wong name the baby?'
> > The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and
> says,
> > 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
> > so I think we will
> name him...
> > *
> > Are you ready for this?*
> >
> > *Sum Ting Wong
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
300 reasons you might be a redneck
- You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
- You ever cut your grass and found a car.
- You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
- You think the stock market has a fence around it.
- Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
- Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
- You own a homemade fur coat.
- Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
- You burn your yard rather than mow it.
- Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
- You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
- The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
- You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
- Birds are attracted to your beard.
- Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
- You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
- You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
- You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
- Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
- You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
- You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
- You clean your fingernails with a stick.
- Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
- You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
- Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
- You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
- There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.
- The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
- There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
- You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
- The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
- You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
- You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
- You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
- You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
- You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
- Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
- Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
- The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
- You've ever bought a used cap.
- Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
- You pick your teeth from a catalog.
- You've ever financed a tattoo.
- You've ever stolen toilet paper.
- You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
- People hear your car a long time before they see it.
- The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
- You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
- You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
- You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
- You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
- You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
- You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
- You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
- you have ever used lard in bed.
- you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
- you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
- your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
- The primary color of your car is bondo.
- directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
- your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
- you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
- you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
- Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people.
- your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
- you see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.
- you consider the fifth grade you senior year.
- you have a rag for a gas cap.
- the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
- you have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.
- you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
- your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
- Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
- you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
- your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
- you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
- your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
- your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
- the main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.
- you mow the front yard and find a car.
- your other truck is made by John Deere.
- you think suspenders are a type of shirt.
- going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.
- you keep a spit cup on the ironing board.
- you ever got too drunk to fish.
- More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
- Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
- You've ever used lard in bed.
- Your home has more miles on it than your car.
- You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
- There is a stuffed posum anywhere in your house.
- You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
- Fewer than half of your cars run.
- Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
- The primary color of your car is "bondo".
- You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
- You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by.
- Your family tree doesn't have any branches.
- Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
- Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
- You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
- The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
- The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
- Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
- You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was
- snubbed for best picture.
- Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
- The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
- You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
- You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
- You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
- The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
- Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
- You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
- Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
- You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
- The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
- You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
- You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
- The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?"
- You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
- Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
- You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
- You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
- You've ever been too drunk to fish.
- You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
- You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
- You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
- You consider a family reunion a good place to pick up girls.
- You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
- Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
- You've ever financed a tattoo.
- Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
- You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
- You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
- Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
- Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
- Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
- You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
- You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
- Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
- You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
- Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
- You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
- You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
- You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
- Redman sends you a Christmas card.
- You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
- You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
- You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
- You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
- You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
- There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
- You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
- You've ever made change in the offering plate.
- If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
- You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
- You own at least 20 baseball hats.
- You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
- You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
- When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
- Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
- Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
- When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry
about is if you can loose them or not. - You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
- Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
- Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
- Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
- You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
- You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
- You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
- You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
- You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
- After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
- The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
- You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
- Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
- Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator
- If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
- When you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack," it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
- You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift
- You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
- You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
- You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
- You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
- You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
- There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
- You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
- You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
- You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
- "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking
brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl
make love. - Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
- You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
- You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
- Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
- You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
- You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
- You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
- You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
- You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
- You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
- There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
- The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
- It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
- You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
- You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
- You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
- Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
- The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
- Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
- The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
- Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco
- Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
- Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
- Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
- You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
- You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
- When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
- Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide
- Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
- You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
- Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
- "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
- Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
- You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
- You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
- You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
- Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
- Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
- The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
- You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
- You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
- You've ever hit a deer with your car..on purpose! "
- You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
- Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
- The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
- Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
- On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".
- During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
- You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
- On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
- Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
- You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
- In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
- Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
- You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
- Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
- Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
- You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
- You bring your dog to work with you.
- You replace a flat tire on your truck with a tire from your house.
- You've ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it
- Your family's No. 1 enemy is revenuers.
- Your belt buckle doubles as a serving platter.
- You use lava soap more than three times a day.
- You wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
- You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
- You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.
- You consider orange peels left on the coffee table as potpourri.
- You grow flowers in an old commode in your front yard.
- You can't take a bath because beer is iced down in your tub.
- Your kitchen doubles as a bait store.
- You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
- You throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.
- You've ever fed your date french fries in a Denny's.
- Going to the laundromat means cleaning out the back of the truck.
- Your family reunion features a chewing tobacco spit-off.
- Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
- You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
- You stand under the mistletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
- You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
- The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
- The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
- You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
- The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
- Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
- You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
- You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
- You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
- You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
- You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
- You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
- You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
- You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
- You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
- You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
- You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
- The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
- It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
- You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
- You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
- Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
- Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
- Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
- Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
- You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
- You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.
Phrases Of Wisdom
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
AND . . . (drum roll please?)
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
AND . . . (drum roll please?)
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Laws- this is how it really works
& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.<>
& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
& Doctor's Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.<>
& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
& Doctor's Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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