Some of these situations have happened to me & some have happened to people I know.
I was playing around on the Itunes program one day & decided to do a search for the word "toilet". Turns out I got almost 150 results. My question to that is who would write a song with the word toilet in it?
I think what made me do a search for the word toilet on Itunes was because I accidentally dropped my first Ipod into a toilet & broke the thing. But the irony to that situation is that after I grabbed the thing out of the toilet, the only song that I could get to work on the thing was the song entitled "dirty water".
As a lot of people do, I tend to forget that I have my sunglasses on top of my head. So one day, I had my sunglasses on top of my head & forgot that they were there. As a result, I ended up taking a shower with the sunglasses still on my head & didn't realize they were still on my head until after I got out of the shower.
We were at a family reunion for my mom's side of the family this past weekend, and of course there were little kids there. Mainly 10 & under kids. So my 4-year-old cousin Caleb grabbed the microphone & started singing, "who let the dogs out".
I was hanging out in my apartment with some of my friends one day & one of my friends mother was there. Then the mother asked me, "what's cold in the fridge?" And my answer to her question was, "what's cold in the fridge - everything."
My cousin Caleb (same kid who started singing "who let the dogs out") was eating some cake at the family reunion. And my dad (who always wants a bite of what little kids are eating) kept on asking Caleb for a bite of his cake. So after about the 4th time my dad asked for a bite of Caleb's cake, Caleb puts about a finger tip size piece of cake on his fork & says to my dad, "here's your bite! Now leave me alone!"
One day, I was babysitting my 3-year-old nephew Chase (who was 2 at the time that this situation happened). And for God knows what reason, he went over to the dog's water bowl, sat down in the thing & got stuck in there. When he tried to get up, the bowl was stuck to his butt & he was walking around with the thing stuck to his butt.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Act Italian
> Americans Kids VS Italian Kids
> If you are Italian or just know Italian's - this is great!!
>
> American kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their
parents.
> Italian kids: Move out when they're 28, having saved enough money for a
house, and are two weeks away from getting married.....unless there's room in
the basement for the newlyweds.
>
> American kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake , and you
sip coffee and chat.
> Italian kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food,
begins to tidy up, dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture.
>
> American kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them,
and it's usually only on special occasions.
> Italian kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads show up, unannounced, on a
Saturday morning at 8:00, and starts pruning the fruit trees. If there are no
fruit trees, he'll plant some.
>
> American kids: Always pay retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need
to have something done.
> Italian kids: Call their dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's
phone number to get it done.
>
> American kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get only cake and
coffee. No more.
> Italian kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get antipasto, wine, a
pasta dish, a choice of two meats, salad, bread, a cannoli, fruit, espresso, and
a few after dinner drinks.
>
> American kids: Will greet you with 'Hello' or 'Hi'.
> Italian kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on
your back.
>
> American kids: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
> Italian kids: Call your parents Mom and Dad.
>
> American kids: Have never seen you cry.
> Italian kids: Cry with you.
>
> American kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
> Italian kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being
together.
>
> American kids: Know few things about you.
> Italian kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
>
>
> American kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white
bread..
> Italian kids: Eat Genoa Salami and Provolone sandwiches on crusty Italian
bread (for breakfast).
> I loved these last two
>
> American kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing
> Italian kids: Will kick the whole crowds' ass who left you behind.
>
> American kids: Think that being Italian is cool.
> Italian kids: Know that being Italian is cool.
>
> American kids: Will ignore this.
> Italian kids: Will forward it
>
Monday, June 22, 2009
A good laugh at a student nurse
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles,
from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals
from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then,
she takes a close look and says,'No sir, they aren't and I assure you,
there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and says very slowly,'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ? '
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Tiger Woods in Ireland
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner
The pump attendant knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner
Completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?” asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Slogans & Wisecracks
- Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
- Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
- Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
- Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
- Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- I plead contemporary insanity.
- Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
- I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
- I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
- Allow me to introduce my selves.
- Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- Live within my income? Heck, it's all I can do to live within my credit.
- A woman's favorite position is C.E.O.
- Does your train of thought have a caboose?
- Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
- Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
- Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
- One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
- So many freaks, so few circuses.
- Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
- Chaos, panic, & disorder my work here is done.
- Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
- Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
- Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF*** you!
- Allow me to introduce myselves.
- Meandering to a different drummer.
- I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.
- And just how may I screw you over today?
- I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here, or to go?
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Parental Job Describtion
POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in |
three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the parents you know in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do...
or forward with love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Who said poetry was dull?
When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me ass was red,
Me Mudder!
Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee when I could not?
Me Mudder!
And when the morning light would come?
And in me crib me dribbled some?
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum,
Me Mudder!
Who would me hair so neatly part?
And hug me gently to her heart?
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart?
Me Mudder!
Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me shit?
Me Mudder!
When at night her bed did squeak?
Me raised me head to have a peek?
Who yelled at me to go to sleep,
Me Fadder!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Answer This
What disease did cured ham have?
What's the difference between unique and very unique?
We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?
When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?
Can you cry under water?
Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?
When you get to heaven, are you stuck for eternity wearing the same clothes you were buried in?
Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?
Why are actors IN movies but ON television?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?
Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?
Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?
Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?
If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?
What is a Japanese maple tree called in Japan? (Ans: Baby's Palm)
We say, "It's Greek to me." What do the Greeks say? (Ans: It's Chinese to me.)
If we don't care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?
Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stand on all four feet? They're both dogs.
Do "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "The Alphabet Song" have the same tune?
On Gilligan's Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?
If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy himself dinner?
Can you drive in the car pool lane if you're driving a hearse with t corpse in it?
Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?
Friday, February 27, 2009
Case Dismissed!
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
> >
> >
> > A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her
> > was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile
> > turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on
> > the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he
> > had the man arrested.
> >
> > The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what
> > he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like
> > this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
> > condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are
> > coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,'
> > Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then
> > she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big
> > Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor,
> > when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear
> > Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it.'
> >
> > 'CASE DISMISSED!!'
> >
> >
> > A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her
> > was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile
> > turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on
> > the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he
> > had the man arrested.
> >
> > The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what
> > he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like
> > this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
> > condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are
> > coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,'
> > Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then
> > she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big
> > Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor,
> > when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear
> > Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it.'
> >
> > 'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
What love means to 4-8 year olds
What Love means to 4-8 year old children . . .
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think.
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other..'
Karl - age 5
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8
'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6
'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'
Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'
Mark - age 6
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8
And the final one
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry'
When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need. Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent you this.
Heavenly Father, please bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! And may their life be full of Your peace, prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with You. Amen.
Then send it on to five other people, including the one who sent it to you. Within hours you caused a multitude of people to pray for other people. Then sit back and watch the power of God work in your life.
P. S. Five is good, but more is better
Saturday, January 31, 2009
You know you're a Bostonian if:
You know you're a Bostonian if:
1. The Red Sox World Series win was, and will always be, one of the greatest moments in your life.
2. The guy driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you're swearing at him for going too slow.
3. When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke.
4. You went to Canobie Lake Park or Water Country as a kid
5. You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.
6. You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of the English language, eva!
7. Your social security number starts with a 0
8. You can actually find your way around Boston.
9. You know what a "regular" coffee is.
10. You keep an ice scraper in your car year-round.
11. You can tell the difference between a Revere accent and a Dorchester accent
12. Springfield is located "way out west."
13. You almost feel disappointed if someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.
14. You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Gloucester, and Haverhill.
15. Anyone you don't know is a potential idiot until proven otherwise.
16. Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts or a CVS Pharmacy within eyeshot at all times.
17. You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to buy alcohol.
18. You know how to pronounce Yastrzemski.
19. You know there's a trophy at the end of the Bean Pot.
20. You order iced coffee in January
21. You know that the Purple Line will take you anywhere
22. You love scorpion bowls.
23. You know what they sell at a Packie.
24. Sorry Manny, but number 24 means DEWEY EVANS.
25. You know what First Night is.
26. You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus.
27. McLobster= McCrap!
28. You know at least 2 cops in your town because they were your high school drinking buddies.
29. Sure there are 6 New England states, but Connecticut really doesn't count.
30. You intentionally give wrong directions to tourists, feel bad when they drive off, but then say to yourself ,"Ah, screw them."
31. You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after
last call.
32. You're sick of the Kennedy's, but you vote for them anyway.
33. You know holding onto the railing when riding the Green Line is not optional
34. The numbers '78 and '86 make you cringe.
35. You've been to Goodtimes before.
36. You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day. (...and they DO).
37. You have never been to "Cheers."
38. The words 'WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.
39. You've been to Fenway Park several times.
40. You've gone to at least one party at U Mass.
41. You own a "Yankees Suck" shirt or hat.
42. You know what a Frappe is.
43. You've been to Hempfest.
44. You know who Frank Averuch is.
45. ADVANCED: You know Frank Averuch was once Bozo the Clown
46. You can complete the following: "Lynn, Lynn......"
47. You get pissed off when a restaurant serves clam chowder, and it turns out to be friggin' Snows.
48. You actually know how to merge from six lanes of traffic down to one.
49. The TV weatherman is damn good if he's right 25% of the time
50. You never go to "Cape Cod," you go "down the Cape".
51. You think that Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.
52. You know who Whitey Bulger is.
53. You went to the Swan Boats, House of Seven Gables, or Plymouth Plantation on a field trip in elementary school
54. Bobby Orr is loved as much as Larry Bird, Tom Brady, and Ted Williams.
55. You remember Major Mudd.
56. You know what candlepin bowling is
57. You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day
58. You know Scollay Square once stood where Government Center is.
59. When you were a kid, Rex Trailer was the coolest guy around.
Speaking of which...
60. You can still hum the song from the end of Boom Town
61. Calling Carrabba's an "Italian" restaurant is sacrilege
62. You still have your old Flexible Flyer somewhere in your parents' attic.
63. You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing
line.
64. The only time you've been on the Freedom Trail is when relatives are
in town.
65. The Big Dig tunnel disaster wasn't really that much of a surprise.
66. You call guys you've just met "Chief" or "Boss."
67. 4:15pm and pitch black out means there's just 3 more shopping days until Christmas
68. You know more than one person with the last name Murphy
69. You refer to Savin Hill as "Stab 'n Kill."
70. You've never eaten at Durgin Park, but recommend it to tourists.
71. You can't look at the zip code 02134 without singing it.
72. You voted for a Republican Mormon as Governor just to screw with the rest of the country.
73. 11pm? Drunk? It means one thing: Kowloon!
74. 2am? Drunk? It means one thing: Kelly's Roast Beef!
75. 5am? Drunk? It means one thing: You wish you had a blanket in your back seat
76. You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.
77. People you don't like are all "Bastids."
78. You took school or work off for the Patriots first Super Bowl Win Parade
79. You've called something "wicked pissa."
80. You'll always get razzed for Dukakis.
81. Saturday afternoons meant Creature Double Feature with Dale Dorman
82. Sunday mornings meant the Three Stooges on Channel 38
83. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater
84. No, you don't trust the Gorton's Fisherman.
85. You know that Papa Gino's usually has a jukebox
86. You think Aerosmith is the greatest rock band of all time.
8 7. Your town has at least 6 sub shops, and none of them are a Subway.
88. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frankie.
89. 20 degrees isn't that bad as long as there ain't no wind- then it gets wicked cold.
90. You were very sad when saying goodbye to the Boston Garden
91. Thanksgiving means family, turkey, High School football, and the long version of Alice's Restaurant.
92. You know the guy who founded the Boston Pops was Athah Feedlah.
93. You know what the Combat Zone is
94. You actually drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax
95. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.
96. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop
97. You've been to Hampton Beach on a Saturday night
98. Playing street hockey was a daily after school ritual.
99. Hearing an old lady shout "Numbah 96 for Sioux City!" means it's time for steak
100. You remember Jordan Marsh, Grants, Bradlees, Caldor, Zayres, or Ann&
Hope.
101. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Massachusetts
1. The Red Sox World Series win was, and will always be, one of the greatest moments in your life.
2. The guy driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you're swearing at him for going too slow.
3. When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke.
4. You went to Canobie Lake Park or Water Country as a kid
5. You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.
6. You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of the English language, eva!
7. Your social security number starts with a 0
8. You can actually find your way around Boston.
9. You know what a "regular" coffee is.
10. You keep an ice scraper in your car year-round.
11. You can tell the difference between a Revere accent and a Dorchester accent
12. Springfield is located "way out west."
13. You almost feel disappointed if someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.
14. You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Gloucester, and Haverhill.
15. Anyone you don't know is a potential idiot until proven otherwise.
16. Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts or a CVS Pharmacy within eyeshot at all times.
17. You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to buy alcohol.
18. You know how to pronounce Yastrzemski.
19. You know there's a trophy at the end of the Bean Pot.
20. You order iced coffee in January
21. You know that the Purple Line will take you anywhere
22. You love scorpion bowls.
23. You know what they sell at a Packie.
24. Sorry Manny, but number 24 means DEWEY EVANS.
25. You know what First Night is.
26. You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus.
27. McLobster= McCrap!
28. You know at least 2 cops in your town because they were your high school drinking buddies.
29. Sure there are 6 New England states, but Connecticut really doesn't count.
30. You intentionally give wrong directions to tourists, feel bad when they drive off, but then say to yourself ,"Ah, screw them."
31. You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after
last call.
32. You're sick of the Kennedy's, but you vote for them anyway.
33. You know holding onto the railing when riding the Green Line is not optional
34. The numbers '78 and '86 make you cringe.
35. You've been to Goodtimes before.
36. You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day. (...and they DO).
37. You have never been to "Cheers."
38. The words 'WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.
39. You've been to Fenway Park several times.
40. You've gone to at least one party at U Mass.
41. You own a "Yankees Suck" shirt or hat.
42. You know what a Frappe is.
43. You've been to Hempfest.
44. You know who Frank Averuch is.
45. ADVANCED: You know Frank Averuch was once Bozo the Clown
46. You can complete the following: "Lynn, Lynn......"
47. You get pissed off when a restaurant serves clam chowder, and it turns out to be friggin' Snows.
48. You actually know how to merge from six lanes of traffic down to one.
49. The TV weatherman is damn good if he's right 25% of the time
50. You never go to "Cape Cod," you go "down the Cape".
51. You think that Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.
52. You know who Whitey Bulger is.
53. You went to the Swan Boats, House of Seven Gables, or Plymouth Plantation on a field trip in elementary school
54. Bobby Orr is loved as much as Larry Bird, Tom Brady, and Ted Williams.
55. You remember Major Mudd.
56. You know what candlepin bowling is
57. You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day
58. You know Scollay Square once stood where Government Center is.
59. When you were a kid, Rex Trailer was the coolest guy around.
Speaking of which...
60. You can still hum the song from the end of Boom Town
61. Calling Carrabba's an "Italian" restaurant is sacrilege
62. You still have your old Flexible Flyer somewhere in your parents' attic.
63. You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing
line.
64. The only time you've been on the Freedom Trail is when relatives are
in town.
65. The Big Dig tunnel disaster wasn't really that much of a surprise.
66. You call guys you've just met "Chief" or "Boss."
67. 4:15pm and pitch black out means there's just 3 more shopping days until Christmas
68. You know more than one person with the last name Murphy
69. You refer to Savin Hill as "Stab 'n Kill."
70. You've never eaten at Durgin Park, but recommend it to tourists.
71. You can't look at the zip code 02134 without singing it.
72. You voted for a Republican Mormon as Governor just to screw with the rest of the country.
73. 11pm? Drunk? It means one thing: Kowloon!
74. 2am? Drunk? It means one thing: Kelly's Roast Beef!
75. 5am? Drunk? It means one thing: You wish you had a blanket in your back seat
76. You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.
77. People you don't like are all "Bastids."
78. You took school or work off for the Patriots first Super Bowl Win Parade
79. You've called something "wicked pissa."
80. You'll always get razzed for Dukakis.
81. Saturday afternoons meant Creature Double Feature with Dale Dorman
82. Sunday mornings meant the Three Stooges on Channel 38
83. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater
84. No, you don't trust the Gorton's Fisherman.
85. You know that Papa Gino's usually has a jukebox
86. You think Aerosmith is the greatest rock band of all time.
8 7. Your town has at least 6 sub shops, and none of them are a Subway.
88. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frankie.
89. 20 degrees isn't that bad as long as there ain't no wind- then it gets wicked cold.
90. You were very sad when saying goodbye to the Boston Garden
91. Thanksgiving means family, turkey, High School football, and the long version of Alice's Restaurant.
92. You know the guy who founded the Boston Pops was Athah Feedlah.
93. You know what the Combat Zone is
94. You actually drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax
95. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.
96. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop
97. You've been to Hampton Beach on a Saturday night
98. Playing street hockey was a daily after school ritual.
99. Hearing an old lady shout "Numbah 96 for Sioux City!" means it's time for steak
100. You remember Jordan Marsh, Grants, Bradlees, Caldor, Zayres, or Ann&
Hope.
101. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Massachusetts
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
A teenager is
- A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
- A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
- A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
- Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
- A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
- A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license.
- A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.
- An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
- A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
- A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
- A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
- A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
- An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Funny One-Liners
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
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