Slogans & Wisecracks

• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
• Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
• Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
• Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
• I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
• Allow me to introduce my selves.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Live within my income? Heck, it's all I can do to live within my credit.
• A woman's favorite position is C.E.O.
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
• So many freaks, so few circuses.
• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
• Chaos, panic, & disorder my work here is done.
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
• Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
• Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF*** you!
• Allow me to introduce myselves.
• Meandering to a different drummer.
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.
• And just how may I screw you over today?
• I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here, or to go?

Parental Job Describtion

POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in

three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered

, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.


Forward this on to all the parents you know in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do...
or forward with love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job.