A good laugh at a student nurse

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his    
mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure    
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles,
from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies   
'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my testicles  black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals
from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly    
pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his    
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then,
she takes a close look and   says,'No sir, they aren't and I assure you,
there's nothing wrong   with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and says very slowly,'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen    
very, very closely.....

       '   A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ? '

Tiger Woods in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner

Completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?” asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."