Stories about situations that have actually happened

Some of these situations have happened to me & some have happened to people I know.

I was playing around on the Itunes program one day & decided to do a search for the word "toilet". Turns out I got almost 150 results. My question to that is who would write a song with the word toilet in it?

I think what made me do a search for the word toilet on Itunes was because I accidentally dropped my first Ipod into a toilet & broke the thing. But the irony to that situation is that after I grabbed the thing out of the toilet, the only song that I could get to work on the thing was the song entitled "dirty water".

As a lot of people do, I tend to forget that I have my sunglasses on top of my head. So one day, I had my sunglasses on top of my head & forgot that they were there. As a result, I ended up taking a shower with the sunglasses still on my head & didn't realize they were still on my head until after I got out of the shower.

We were at a family reunion for my mom's side of the family this past weekend, and of course there were little kids there. Mainly 10 & under kids. So my 4-year-old cousin Caleb grabbed the microphone & started singing, "who let the dogs out".

I was hanging out in my apartment with some of my friends one day & one of my friends mother was there. Then the mother asked me, "what's cold in the fridge?" And my answer to her question was, "what's cold in the fridge - everything."

My cousin Caleb (same kid who started singing "who let the dogs out") was eating some cake at the family reunion. And my dad (who always wants a bite of what little kids are eating) kept on asking Caleb for a bite of his cake. So after about the 4th time my dad asked for a bite of Caleb's cake, Caleb puts about a finger tip size piece of cake on his fork & says to my dad, "here's your bite! Now leave me alone!"

One day, I was babysitting my 3-year-old nephew Chase (who was 2 at the time that this situation happened). And for God knows what reason, he went over to the dog's water bowl, sat down in the thing & got stuck in there. When he tried to get up, the bowl was stuck to his butt & he was walking around with the thing stuck to his butt.

Act Italian

> Americans Kids VS Italian Kids
>  If you are Italian or just know Italian's - this is great!!
>
>  American kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their
parents.
>  Italian kids: Move out when they're 28, having saved enough money for a
house, and are two weeks away from getting married.....unless there's room in
the basement for the newlyweds.
>   
> American kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake , and you
sip coffee and chat.
>  Italian kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food,
begins to tidy up, dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture.
>   
>  American kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them,
and it's usually only on special occasions.
>  Italian kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads show up, unannounced, on a
Saturday morning at 8:00, and starts pruning the fruit trees. If there are no
fruit trees, he'll plant some.
>  
> American kids: Always pay retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need
to have something done.
>  Italian kids: Call their dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's
phone number to get it done.
>   
>  American kids:  Will come over for cake and coffee, and get only cake and
coffee. No more.
>  Italian kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get antipasto, wine, a
pasta dish, a choice of two meats, salad, bread, a cannoli, fruit, espresso, and
a few after dinner drinks.
>   
>  American kids: Will greet you with 'Hello' or 'Hi'.
>  Italian kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on
your back.
>   
>  American kids: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
>  Italian kids: Call your parents Mom and Dad.
>   
>  American kids: Have never seen you cry.
>  Italian kids: Cry with you.
>   
>  American kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
>  Italian kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being
together.
>   
>  American kids: Know few things about you.
>  Italian kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
>   
>   
>  American kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white
bread..
>  Italian kids: Eat Genoa Salami and Provolone sandwiches on crusty Italian
bread (for breakfast).
>  I loved these last two
>   
>  American kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing
>  Italian kids: Will kick the whole crowds' ass who left you behind.
>  
>  American kids: Think that being Italian is cool.
>  Italian kids: Know that being Italian is cool.
>   
>  American kids: Will ignore this.
>  Italian kids: Will forward it
>  

A good laugh at a student nurse

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his    
mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure    
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles,
from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies   
'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my testicles  black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals
from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly    
pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his    
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then,
she takes a close look and   says,'No sir, they aren't and I assure you,
there's nothing wrong   with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and says very slowly,'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen    
very, very closely.....

       '   A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ? '

Tiger Woods in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner

Completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?” asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

Slogans & Wisecracks

• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
• Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
• Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
• Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
• I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
• Allow me to introduce my selves.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Live within my income? Heck, it's all I can do to live within my credit.
• A woman's favorite position is C.E.O.
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
• So many freaks, so few circuses.
• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
• Chaos, panic, & disorder my work here is done.
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
• Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
• Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF*** you!
• Allow me to introduce myselves.
• Meandering to a different drummer.
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.
• And just how may I screw you over today?
• I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here, or to go?

Parental Job Describtion

POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in

three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered

, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.


Forward this on to all the parents you know in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do...
or forward with love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

Who said poetry was dull?

When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me ass was red,

Me Mudder!


Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee when I could not?

Me Mudder!

And when the morning light would come?
And in me crib me dribbled some?
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum,

Me Mudder!

Who would me hair so neatly part?
And hug me gently to her heart?

Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart?


Me Mudder!



Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me shit?

Me Mudder!


When at night her bed did squeak?
Me raised me head to have a peek?
Who yelled at me to go to sleep,



Me Fadder!